The Woes of the Hypochondriac

I have some disturbing news. I have a horrible, incurable illness. It is known well in the medical world, and its prognosis is dreary at best. I believe it is familial, because I have had it as long as I can remember. This disease is called HYPOCHONDRIA.

The following is a list of diseases that I believed that myself or someone in my immediate family suffered from as a result of nursing school (something that is not the best idea in the world for someone suffering from this infliction. Give a hypochondriac a book full of symptoms, they will be dying within a day.)

1. Heart attack- still up in the air about this one. Maybe not a heart attack, per se, but something cardiac related going on....

2. Pulmonary embolism- For this one I did end up in ER. I was officially diagnosed with a severe panic attack, but still believe that the clot must have dissolved before I reached the hospital.

3. Breast cancer- Yep. Had a lump, had to have a needle aspiration done. Everything was fine. Funny thing was, when I found the lump, I ignored it for almost a YEAR before I told a doctor about it. Hypochondriacs think they have every disease in the world, but they don't want to DIE. The lump was REAL, and I was afraid to find out what it was.

4. Brain tumor- ER, they couldn't find anything, lol. (now that is a suprise!)

5. Gallbladder disease- ER on several occasions, so far, my gallbladder is the picture of health.

6. Appendicitis- HA! This one was REAL!!! lucky me!

7. Prostatitis- LMAO! I had every single symptom, except for the prostate...

8. Hypothyroidism- I wish someone would tell me I had this, it would account for the weight gain, dry skin, depression, hair loss, etc.

9. Ileus- this was after the appendicitis. Didn't really have an ileus, incidentally. But, word to the wise... generic ibuprofen and generic pericolace (stool softener/laxative combo) are almost IDENTICAL. I found this out the hard way. I was taking what I THOUGHT was 3 ibuprofen every 6 hrs...ended up it was 3 pericolace every 6...when my "ileus" cleared up, LORD ALMIGHTY was it bad!

10. Skin cancer- Had a funky mole-like area on my forehead. Went to Dr. about it, because it had just appeared out of nowhere. I was supposed to go back the next week for a biopsy, which was going to involve a sizable cut. The day after my initial appointment, I was looking in the mirror at it, and I lightly scraped at it, and it fell off... (oops). It was just a scab.

Then there was the time, when my daughter was about 2, that I took her to the ER, absolutely in a panic. I was still in nursing school at this time. We were studying upper respiratory infections. I was convinced that she had Histoplasmosis. After the ER doc examined her, listened to my story of why I believed she had this particular disease, he told me she was fine, and that he wanted me to write him a 2 page report on how Histoplasmosis was transmitted. (OK, OK. Apparently, it cannot be contracted by oral ingestion of bird poop. But, EWWWW. )

Anyway, luckily nursing school is far behind me now. And I am older, more mature, more knowledgeable. Nowadays, when I get convinced that I have some horrible disease, I just call my doctor or his nurse, and they patiently listen to me, and talk me down. (and I am sure, laugh their A$$E$ off when they hang up the phone).
marci